How to argue without ruining your relationship

HOW TO STOP ROWING AND START RESOLVING  
STEP 1: Getting it off your chest
Begin by choosing who will be the speaker and who will be the listener – then repeat the process, swapping roles.
YOU Say what’s bothering you. Your partner is not allowed to interrupt. Try to remove blame and judgment by talking about how you feel.
HIM He tells you what he heard using as many of your words as possible. He starts by saying, ‘So what I heard you say is…’ without adding to it or summarizing.
YOU You are now allowed to revise or add to your account as many times as necessary. If you do, he must repeat it back to you once again until you say, ‘Yes, that’s it.’
HIM He says, ‘Thank you for telling me this. Do you trust that I’ve heard you?’
YOU If the answer is no, you can adjust the account and the process repeats until you can say, ‘Yes, I trust you’ve heard me.’
HIM ‘Is there anything else you’d like me to hear right now?’
YOU If the answer is ‘yes’ then the process repeats. If it’s ‘no, that’s it’, move to Step 2.
STEP 2: Asking questions
HIM As the listener, he can now ask questions to clarify what you said: how, what, where, when, who? (Not ‘why?’)
STEP 3: Finding understanding
HIM He must then accept how it is for you (even if it isn’t that way for him!) and try to understand your feeling and needs. ‘I guess you’re feeling X (resentful/frustrated/anxious/exhausted/vulnerable, etc), because you need Y (support/appreciation/space/balance, etc).’
STEP 4: Response
HIM He now asks you for permission to give his input and move the issue on towards possible solutions. ‘What would happen if..?’
STEP 5: Outcome
Once you have both had a turn at steps 1-4 together, you explore next possible moves, and what outside resources you may need to help you.
If you cannot work through this process without becoming hostile or resistant, it’s probably time to seek outside help.